Well, guys. This is a hard one to write because I’m still processing it myself, but bc of how much many of you have been hoping with us for a baby to be made during these last few days.

We got bad news from the embryologist today, a few hours before going in for the embryo transfer. The embryos aren’t growing properly. They’re hardly growing at all in fact. The number of embryos pretty drastically reduced during the first and second days, and of the ones left, only one has multiplied beyond two cells (to 4). They should be at least 8 cells at this stage.

We were kind of shocked to hear this – it’s not one of the variables Josh or I had rehearsed in our heads. We assumed we would have extra embryos to freeze. We were initially worried about having too many! I was anticipating the anxiety of the pregnancy test day, 2 weeks from now, thinking that’s when the disappointment would come if it was to be. We got this news just as we sat down at a cafe down the street from the clinic. We couldn’t stop the tears (luckily we were entirely alone in the cafe since Indians don’t eat breakfast til later than we do), feeling unprepared and completely at the mercy of our emotions as the rug was pulled out with the phone call from Cherog the embryologist.

We went to the clinic to meet with him and Dr. Kirthi. They recommended that we forego the transfer today, as the chances would be so slim. Before then, I thought we might tell them to go ahead and do it, seeing nothing we could lose, but as we talked with him about doing a second round of IVF next cycle, realized that it might limit that possibility since if it did implant, the change of miscarriage would be very high, but we would miss the window for the second round. (did that make sense? I’m delirious) Anyway, we did not transfer embryos today like expected.

Dr. Kirthi and the embryologist were disappointed and heavy hearted to share all this news with us, and explained that because I produced so many eggs, and was on the verge of hyper-stimulation, that the quality of the eggs was reduced. Dr. Kirthi used a step-down protocol, meaning started me on a higher dose early in stimulation, and lowered the dose later when he saw how many follicles were showing up. He feels that fundamentally my eggs are good, and that a step-up protocol (starting out at lower doses) would produce a better batch. He really seems to believe it, and sincerely wants it for me, not just to prove himself I think.  He said so tenderly in his Indian-Scottish accent, “Please give me another try.”

I couldn’t hold back the tears at that entreaty…because I want to, but I just don’t know right now if I can afford it emotionally. or financially for that matter. and the time. ugh. It feels like I’ve been here a long time, and I just want it to be done, and I want to go home. and have a baby.

My sweet parents Facetimed me right away to share in my tears. They grieved with me the pain of not understanding the why of yet another disappointment. My dad said something that is very true and resonates with the rest of this journey so far, and that is that it seems God will either put life in my womb, and I should keep seeking that with determination, or I will know with peace when I am released from the pursuit. I have yet to feel released in the past, as many times as I have asked. And I don’t know if I am now or not. I need to go talk to God…

I do see His mercy in the fact that we found this out now. If it was 2 weeks from now, Josh would be back in Portland and we would be grieving separately. This is better than that. And, I can have a glass of wine tonight.

Thanks for reading all the way to the bottom and thanks for thinking of us. thanks for grieving with us. It will make the celebration that much sweeter…I do believe that.  Pray for us to have vision for our next steps. Keep praying for miracles.